Eight days of Hope

There are moments in life that make us want to run. Our breath is taken and we are challenged in such a way that even our spirit is flooded by our physical emotions.

These moments come in the first time we feel love and the first time we lose it. In the walk down an aisle and in the water breaking from the womb.

They arrive in the times our flesh and spirit feel at the same time. Believe it or not we typically battle within ourselves as to which part of us will lead and sadly, our flesh usually comes flying out ahead of what should come first, our spirit.

Sometimes these heart stoppers come out of shock and pain that almost seemingly  exasperates our flesh and spirit simultaneously. We find ourselves just trying to understand what our brain is reiterating over and over.

Losing someone you love in this life is one of those moments I believe.

No matter the timing or manner in which this occurs, it is indescribable in every way.

I was recently blessed with eight days of understanding as I traveled through the earthly loss of my grandmother.

What I have experienced is much like we all do when we are faced with separation from love and yet I am lead to indulge you brothers and sisters with what I have found to be a deeper truth than I have ever received thus far…

What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

Psalm 56:3

Okay! I can do this… As a believer on the Lord, I know on the first day of this shell shocking experience, I do in fact trust in the Lord.

As Christians we are called in every way, to trust the Lord. In all things He is in control and we must walk in that faith not just talk it.

In the first few days of confusion and impatience I admit, my trust felt wholeheartedly given to the Lord. “I know she's in your hands”, “ your will shall be done Lord “.  

In no way should we allow ourselves to be complacent in our trust on the Lord but more often than not, we do. We “know” He's in control and we speak those precious words aloud while our flesh secretly entertains feelings of control...just in case of course.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Romans 15:13

So for a time, I was content to battle with my spirit and my God in hopes that true faith tested would be nothing more than a few days rest and some simple life changes for my loved one.

While I was busy making my plans God was finalizing His.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 11:1

Bam!

Like a ton of spiritual bricks...it dawned on this little distracted mind of mine.

It was day five of eight now, things were getting serious and I could feel my flesh oozing with anxiety. I had been holding my breath in every way, including spiritually.

Was I really going to have to let this be His alone to decide? Am I going to have to accept there's nothing in my power that can stop this train from driving off the tracks?

These were the things I was asking myself but not consciously of course. In times of chaos and pain we rarely focus on truths. Instead of dwelling within my spirit and receiving understanding of His will, I was still pleading for my own discomfort to end.

Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

Ephesians 5:17

It took until this day, this moment when things had reach a level of urgency that my spirit awoke. I say this with much trepidation simply because it still feels inhumane to see things as I did in that moment…

I knew she was going to die.

Now whether that understanding came from a place of fleshly protection because no one wants to unguard their heart, or whether it was the Holy Spirit alone, granting me freedom from that dark little corner of my heart where I had been hiding from Him...I am grateful.

That moment changed my life.

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3

I realized in that moment that He really is in control. There is not one single piece of this life given that He doesn't not have dominion over.

I learned that day, He will have His way. For her good AND mine.

Day six and seven passed like molasses in many ways. Being privy to God's plans was not something I believe I was prepared for and yet I felt a strange comfort in finally having resolution.

Those 48 excruciating hours were spent in battle still. My flesh cycling through the stages of grief, my spirit full of joy and the hope of the LORD knowing where she will be headed and all of this while my brain indeed did remind me...she's still here you know!

I felt and still feel, some guilt in that understanding the LORD placed upon me that day. It was as if I was giving up on her and I struggled with hearing my families hopes of her improvements made.

Was I the only one who felt comfort in knowing it was time? Sometimes it feels very lonely to gain spiritual understanding. I imagine Job and Paul could really teach us how to overcome in that department.

When thou passest through the waters,
I will be with thee;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overflow thee:
when thou walkest through the fire,
thou shalt not be burned;
neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Isaiah 43:2

This scripture is so very powerful!

As I wrestled with a large quantity of feelings and confusion in those days, I felt the LORD and His peace surrounding us all.

God is so beyond good to give us His companionship, even when we don't fully understand how to take His hand.

See, knowing that her passing was approaching was hurtful and sad and my heart broke with every thought of life without her. Yet, for the first time in my life really, my faith was tested beyond MY comfort zone. My spirit was connected to His in a way I had never felt. To know I was blessed to attain this connection with our Father by way of such a loss is both beautiful and tragic.

Having not lost someone so dear to me prior, I struggled to overcome my sadness, yet I realized her passing was not only about her but also about us finding our faith in ways we hadn't before.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Day eight.

Bitter sweet was this day. Selfishly wanting those last moments to never end and yet you feel the strength in laying down your sword before the Almighty.

I am beyond grateful for those four hours shared on this day. To watch her pain was all consuming but to feel His breath reaching for hers was heavenly.

There are no words to describe the depths of one's faith in the Lord. We are all given this life and it's many tests to hopefully gain those precious moments in which we feel the gentle whisper of God, brushing back our fears like the baby hairs that have fallen over our face.

He is that kind of Father. He gives us the power to understand His greatness in the moments we try and hide from it. He calls us to stand tall in His will when we want to do anything but be still and listen.

He gives us mercy. Unworthy mercy…

In those final moments with her I thanked Him. Not only for giving her a life that was full and for taking her home but also for teaching me a very valuable lesson about faith.

It took only eight earthly days to change so many lives in more ways than we likely know, even still.

I do know that He had plans for me in losing her.

Faith is not something we can claim to have without works. God knew my flesh would wrestle to control the circumstances, He knew the corner of my heart that was not succumbing to His will…

And yet, He also knew how to brush back that hair from my eyes and open my spirit in a way that said, “these things are mine to give and to take, you must see my child...I am all you need and this is all for you.”

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Jeremiah 11:1

I share this scripture a second time.

It was a powerful statement to read on day one and a very powerful statement to understand on day five.

It took five days to allow for MY expected end of her life to be His will and not mine but with all the love of the greatest Father and with the faith of a mustard seed...I was able to feel Him breath His life into her spirit as well as my own.

I'll be seeing her again...His promise is GOOD. And I thank Him, for allowing me to find His comfort in something that feels per our flesh, so very far from home but is truly His plan in the end.

Be well in His goodness xo